Song of the Joad
By Adam Joad
Published: January 25, 2010

Song of the Joad So back in late November I had a conversation with the rad folks at Phoenix Always Rises about doing a regular column for them. In addition to giving me a regular column they even gave me the freedom to write about whatever I wanted to say. Gifted with this awesomeness I proceeded accordingly, I disappeared off the radar for a month and a half and waited for inspiration to strike.....indeed, the musicians way of handling things. I did a lot in that time, I went back to GC, saw some family, drank some Yuengling, shot some guns and waited - still no writing inspiration. This morning, however, this all changed! While inundated with the vast inefficiency of the California DMV, it hit me like 3 tons of shit in a 2 ton bag, oh yes, “Song Lyrics.”

Music has, is and always will be a huge part of my life and long before I knew the difference between an open chord and power chord I connected with lyrics. I’d run home from the store and bust open a new cassette (oh shit did I just date myself) and proceed to memorize lyrics. I would like to say I evolved past 8th grade but the truth is I haven’t much, I just got bigger and more resources to buy the same stuff I would have purchased if my Mom would have let me back in the day. With that said, welcome to the new Phoenix Always Rises Adam Joad installment and take a gander at some of my favorite song lyrics in no particular order and for reasons that may only make sense in my twisted mind. If you make it to the end, I even threw in some advice to the fellas and the ladies Adam Joad style.


“Cause I”m bluffin’ with my muffin, I’m not lying I’m just stunnin’ with love-glue gunnin’” Lady GaGa (Poker Face)

This is like a pornographic nursery rhyme and you have to tip your hat to anyone who can say this line straight faced and pull it off. Then she takes it to another level by looking cool while doing it. She even shows us which muffin in which she is referring in the video. For the record, I would be scared of any girl who referred to her private region as a muffin that could in fact bluff and.... love-glue, you get it. I would be scared but I’d have to respect it as a fairly bold declaration. I went to the porn convention here in LA and every girl on a pole was dancing to this song and NONE could say this line and pull it off like Lady G.


“Not all who wander are lost” Devil Driver (Not All Who Wander Are Lost)

This is such a great line, I considered having it tattooed on me - not because of my allegiance to Devil Driver, but it’s just a flat out great lyric that spoke to me as a wanderer who doesn’t feel lost at all. Of course it is from a Tolkien reference but many great lyrics come from classic literature. It’s used excellently by these fealls. This December I was on the same flight as John from Devildriver. We had a metal bonding session and scared fellow passengers with our shady appearances as we discussed our very “un-metal” destinations of heading home for the holidays to visit family. Yes, even uber groove metal badasses visit family at X-mas. I wonder if Black Metal families get together to burn Churches in Norway at X-mas time? That sounds like a subject for another column.


“Bathe in the blood of Osiris” Destrophy (Rise of the Overman)

This is lyric is probably THE most metal of 2009 and it was crafted by my man Ari. In one of many philosophical discourses, Ari and I concluded that if we were allowed to take any Greek 1/2 God (full gods wouldn’t be fair) into combat with us that we would choose Achilles and Odysseus. We considered Perseus but he made a lot of silly errors while on his quest to defeat the Kraken. Such mistakes wouldn’t be tolerated in our army. I co-wrote a 286 song called “Overman” and though I thought my “We fucked your mind control” lyric was quite cleaver, Ari trumped me with this overman themed song on all levels.


“I swear I found the key to the universe in the engine of an old parked car” Bruce Springsteen (Growing Up)

Springsteen is more badass than you, me or 99.9% of the population for that matter. The day I passed my driver’s test was literally the day the universe opened up. This may be a very Kerouac and beatnik of me to say, but hell, I’ve been called much worse. It’s like classic Americana, the road, the adventure... Is it time to go on tour yet?


“I’m a Pimp, you can check my stats” Kid Rock (Wastin’ Time)

It was a tossup between this one and “I got more time than Morris Day.” First, anyone who references Morris Day is awesome. Prince is kick ass and epic in his own right, but let’s be honest, his decision to go with “Purple Rain” in the battle of the bands against Morris and the boys was an ill conceived effort that certainly didn’t represent his best material. As a result, Prince got smoked in the last competition and Jerome would have been there to hold up the mirror at the end to let him know if I wrote the movie. Oh yeah......Kid Rock. Anyway, it’s one thing to declare yourself a pimp, it’s quite another to be able to back it up with written statistics. I think Kid Rock could beat Mystery at picking up girls even if Mystery had his pimp goggles on. That’s just my opinion, and I’m a self proclaimed expert at useless hypothetical scenarios like this.


“Cause my long hair just can’t cover up my redneck” David Allan Coe (Long Haired Redneck)

There’s some Coe lyrics that I can’t stand behind but this one I can. You can dress me up in any possible manner, put me in the most refined setting and I will still do something that confirms my “backwoodsness.” Yes, where I’m from we got the first day of deer season off school because if they didn’t give it off, no one would be there. Rather than fight it I decided to just go with it, hence the new music project. So if you see me lets drink some Jim Beam and talk about different camouflage patterns. My turkey call is in the refrigerator but there aren’t many wild turkeys in Huntington Beach. For now, I mostly use them to torture the pugs. If they follow my CA state proposition advice and open up gang hunting season I’ll be the first in line for my tags.


“I am an antichrist, and I am an anarchist” Sex Pistols (Anarchy in the UK)

Ah yeah, Johnny Rotten. You can still piss people off in 2010 but taking jabs at religion and these cats were doing it in the late 70’s. Offending people is an art, I try it just for fun sometimes as a twisted sociological experiment for my own amusement. You should try it too. In any given conversation with a stranger you are always one statement away from turning them on or turning them off to your perspectives. Try it some time, meet a stranger at the grocery store and say, “hello, my name is [insert your name], I am an antichrist and I am in fact an anarchist” and see what happens. You may either make a friend for life, a mortal enemy and perhaps even get arrested. How awesome is that with one statement?


“Why stand on a silent platform fight the war, fuck the norm” Rage Against the Machine (Township Rebellion)

You don’t have to dig RATM’s politics to appreciate this lyric. Silence and passivity are silly. The meek aren’t inheriting the earth anytime soon and in fact, it would be a safe bet to say that the meek will likely only inherit an ass-whoopin’ from the non meek as humans are savages like that. Always mad respect for TM and the posse. TM recently hooked Clay and I up to go see Steve Earle which is important because we got to drink beer and sing along to Copperhead Road in the audience.


“When do creatures rape your face” Misfits (Hybrid Moments)

It was a tossup, the original draft of this article had Suicidal Tendencies “Hippie Killers” and as much Psycho Mikey is cool and I’d buy him a Pepsi anytime, Danzig is on a special plane of metal awesomeness where you are permitted to wear mesh shirts without getting made fun of. For the portly nim-nuts who punched Danzig in the face, it’s Ok, Danzig will come in your sleep with a team of tortured souls and rape your face for eternity because that’s how he rolls. Danzig even has a collection of only TRUE werwolf stories, I’m not making this up, look it up on youtube. These aren’t Benicio Del I was Che Guevara now I’m a werwolf stories, these are the real deal! Danzig and his Misfits work especially has the amazing quality of getting everyone to bop around to these sing song choruses that are actually quite disturbing upon analysis. I know, because “I ain’t no goddamn son-of-a-bitch.” You better think about it.....


So that’s it, I’ve said enough, I’ve picked some of my favorite lyrics for today. Tomorrow they may change but I stand by these choices. It’s time to go back to wrenching on my bike and finishing the new Scattered Hamlet album, but I leave some wisdom for the guys and girls because I’m a human relations machine:


Fellas:

No matter how cool we know it is, 98% (Joad researched statistic) of all girls are not impressed with your knowledge of comic books, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, Star Trek or the Highlander Television/Movie series. At least wait until after you’ve had sex with the girl before you break this stuff out. If not there will be no “ love-glue gunnin” in your near future. How’s that for putting some lyrics into everyday conversation!


Ladies:

Don’t get your lips fixed, plumped or any type of cosmetic surgery on them. You WILL look stupid. It’s not a matter of if you will look stupid, how stupid you will look is the rightful inquiry. It never looks natural, if you want to look like you’ve been punched in the face or like you sucked on a curling iron, there are much cheaper ways to go about it. This look is NEVER hot and when you speak no one will listen to you because in their mind the fellas will be thinking “what’s wrong with this chick’s lips?” Also, if you get a haircut that all the gals think looks “cute,” guys will probably think it looks stupid but will lie to you because they know such a declaration will eliminate them from the possibility of hooking up with you.


From HB to North Hollywood!

Adam Joad


Don’t forget to check out Adam’s badass band Scattered Hamlet! http://www.myspace.com/scatteredhamlet






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